Writing this at 3am in the morning 26th Jan 2016.For some weird reason I know I'm getting older, but it hit me hard when I do the math, add on and subtract Life is fun in a weird way.
Last few weeks, it was hard. That feeling when you come back, when you realised that everything seems normal from outside, but you know deep in the heart, you want to do something else.
Dear myself,
What is it the perfect human being? How everyone can be perfect? Is there a perfect person out there?
How can people not being angry?
Is it ok to just put it everything inside and let it go?
How you could change to be better?
Have they not cried at all?
Everything was a rollercoaster. I woke up and I realised again, that I need to go through all over again.
Was I'm alone? Why Im doing this all by myself? How to be better? How can I make evrything alright? All those question in my mind.
Should I let go? Should I go back? Should I say what I want to say? Weird. The heart need an answer.
Looking back at everything, I dont know how it turn out. Im not sure if people is agreeing with me. Im not sure if I have become to be a better person.
The only thing I realised is that my time is ticking. I stop to care when I hit the 30. But now, seeing everyone, my dad especially, it hit hard. We all probably have lesser time in this world to be together.
Is it a perfect time to do everything?
Married? Having children? I dont know.
What is normal, what is not?
Ya allah,
The reason I know that my heart don't allow me to have this feeling is that:
1) Im afraid that if I have children they will become like me. Born with imperfection. Born with anomality.
2) Im afraid of the future.
3) Im afraid that Im going to be blind
4) Im afraid to cry. Im afraid to show my weaknesses.
5) Im afraid of imperfection.
Is there a perfect world? What if Im not happy? What if I cant make people happy?
Ya allah, if you had write my story in Jannah, let me end in Jannah. Let me end my journey in whatever you had written, let me end in Jannah. Ya allah , kau tunjukkan jalannya. Permudahkanlah. Buka kanlah. Tunjukkan lah.
Hati,
Mata,
Kata kata,
Perjalanan,
Yg akan menghampirkan ku ke Jannah. And in the end..if it is meant for me to give out the happiness. Let me found my happiness. Let me be in Jannah. Let me for the first time learn to give out. To give and not to receive.
Ya allah ya rahim
Permudahkanlah-Munirah Khadri
