Half year battle, half day moved on

Writing this om 17th July 2016.

Looking back at my life. Looking back at my age.

One of these days, or exactly 3 days ago, I spend most of the days sleeping or just wondering my thoughts. What am I doing right now? Am I doing the right thing?

Am I a good person? Am I doing the best that I should? Why I'm feeling lonely? Why I can't just say what I want? 

Why I need to pretend?

And I guess the same questions coming back to me again. Am I doing the right thing?

I wish someone can let me know. I wish I know how to live my life

I wish I know all the answers.

Like they said. Find a mentor. 

Of course, I've been thinking it so much. And the same questions come back to me. Am I doing rhe right thing?

Lonely. And they say talk to Allah. I know. And I know I'm not the best muslims out there. And I'm still trying. And the same questions come back to me. Why me? Why cant you just show me the way. What I'm supposed to do in my life right now?

I'm writing this post not because I want to admit my defeat. Or tired. I guess this was a phasing on time that I have. 

A lot of time I wonder. What I'm doing or whether it is a right thing to do. Most of the time I need to pretend to be happy, to be motivated and to be strong. And people expect you to. And I expect myself to be better.

I'm not sure if I can be 'better' to some person. But I do know I'm trying to be a better person to me. And so, dear Munirah. Please be happy. Please hang on..everything will be allright. Please be patient. Please let it go. Please be stronger. Please, I hope in year future when you read this whole thing, just realised you just finish one of the chapter of your own. 

#bestrong #behappy. And to everyone who struggle out there, #bestrong and #behappy too. 

Life will be better..

Xox ;)) ;))) ;)))

munirahkhadri

Time passes no one

19th May 2016.

I will be heading to 33 soon.

Funny and weird how sometimes I think or maybe I feel that I'm not old. I'm not going anywhere. Then the reality sinks in when the cousins, which you used to play with, hold and just be angry with now working, go to schools and now getting married.

It's not I feel bad that I'm going old. But somehow I feel the weirdness. I feel that my time will come soon. The death. The move on . The phase.

Looking back at my life before I hit 30, I thought I have achieved everything. The job, the house, the car. And somehow after I hit 30, I realised my life is no longer sprited and feels less colourful than before.

Dear Munirah,

Please be strong. Please be happy. Please moved on. Please be courageous.

Dear Munirah,

You will achieve what you desire. Be brave. Be happy. Be diffrent. Be motivated. Be strong. Be willing to sacrifice. Be willing to be near to Allah. Be positive. Be thankful. Be open to any possibilities. Be whatever you want. Be a giver. Be someone that is important to society. Be someone that can change the environment. Be someone that can bring the greatness to nature.

Dear Munirah

Be brave. Dont give up. Percaya dengan allah. Percaya dengan takdirNya. Believe.

Xox,

Munirah Khadri

Should I???

Mix feeling really. I ask everyone. No one ask me to do what makes me happy. They ask me to think about the worst case that can happen. So I did what I did the best. Write it all out. And so I put it in the wall and I know the answer. It was all in my heart all the time. The main question is, Could I achieve my dreams if I stay? 

And if I go, can it become better than now? Do I believe it? YES!!

Do I know how to do it? No. But deep in my heart I need to do this.

What if my life end tomorrow? It will kill me coz I know Im not listening to my heart all along. Was I just being the best now,shows the best that I could be? What is life and love if its all being told to do what others want you to do?

At the end of the day, what will be the diffrence in  my life if I stay to do the same thing, at the same place.

Life is to give, life is to have fun, Live to be happy ^_^

Xoxo-Munirah #decahaya

Random of Heart

Random post as this was not prepared in my diary. The first one where I guess I just want say something.

Do you feel that sometimes the world go around so fast that you feel that life just walk by??huhu..I do..it was weird and somehow it makes me angry.

Angry to myself more than the others. So many feelings in the heart. One you just realised, that the more days passed,you are getting older. The number was not a problem. But the goals that have not been achieved do get my head down a little.

Wonder if there are people actually reading this, or actually Im not sure myself. Sometimes I wonder if I do the right thing..sometimes I wonder if I should do other things..then for some reasons I wonder if I was alone in doing this. So much feelings....

And then I also read my post about why I want to be rich..and then I sigh. and I pray. There is so much things I want to do in this world. So many..but now feels that I have so little time and money. I feel restless. But I know that I need to do this. I need to..I dont knw the final answers or the final result,but I need to work forward.

I need to look further upward. I need to pray more. I need to work more. This is hard. This is sometimes feels so lonely. But I need to do it. I want to be rich. Not that I want the money to have millions..but I want to be rich so that I dont have to work until I become old.

At the end of the day,me,Munirah Khadri, want to be rich,want to experience everything in this world before I died. Before that someone's word becomes true. That one day I will become a blind person. Even when I do become blind,I want to tell myself that don't bother, you have do everything that you can,you have seen everything that you want. Chin up. Don't bother. You have work hard.

And because of that, I will not give up. I will not going to say no as option. I will work hard. I will do everything that it takes. I will do everything that I need to be. I will do everything that I want to be. That I myself will not give up. Ya allah ya rahman ya rahim...may you ease the pain in my heart right now...may you show me the way,the right one..that maybe in the end of my day, I will leave peacefully and I will be there in jannah ..that in the end of the day, someone in this world will says that I change their lives to be better #pray #heart #smile #happines #endoflife 

Xoxo  ....munirahkhadri

The Travel that change me! ^_^

This was copied from a status that I wrote in a travel group a month ago...since a group of people have this war of question of whether travel as backpacker or the normal luggage beg,with travel agent is better etc etc....haha..so I went and kinda join the argument..not sure whether there are people read this, but somehow I feel good that I managed to write this long in FB!! lol and of coz maybe they 'like ' the status because of my Canada pic ^_^..

my  forever precious memories in Canada..the travel that change me in life <3<3

____________________________________________________________________________

     Salam ^_^..terpanggil saya utk share di sini.Before this,silent reader je.Niat di hati nak masuk group ni utk cari kwn2 utk travel ke Australia & Europe.Bukan tak berani nk pegi sengsorang,tapi rasanya lagi meriah kalau berkawan. Ini just pengalaman saya ke luar neg 10 thn lps. Tak lama,8 bln je.Nasib uni yg byr,so saya dgn senang hatinya mengutip pengalaman yg tak seberapa.

      Tempat dituju,Peterborough,Canada.Dalam 1 jam pjalanan ke Toronto. Saya tak pnh bwk beg galas ala2 backpacker ;)..tpi waktu nilah pengalaman seumur hidup ke luar neg seorang diri,naik flight seorang selama 25 jam to the other side of the world. Igt lagi masa tuh punyalah excited dpt pegi,happy yg amat,gembira buat persiapan semua.Masa jejak tanah ke aiport canada tuh barulah jadi minah terkejut haha..sbb tgk semua org mat salleh.Masa tuh bru lah igt mak bapak sedara kat rumah.Masa tu bru lah tanya diri sendiri betul ke keputusan yg aku amik ni.Tpi masa tu terpaksa kuatkan hati sbb yelah,takkan nk patah balik kan,duit pun pihak uni dh kluarkan,mau je nnti kena buang uni kalau balik hehe..so teruskan saja.

    To cut long story short,pengalaman 8 bln di Canada ni mmg saaya tak akan lupakan seumur hidup.Pertama,tak ada org Melayu lain kat uni tuh.So nak tak nak sya kena berkwn dgn bangsa asing.Dan suprisingly merekalah kwn yg sya sgt treasure smpi sekarang.Kenapa?Sbb kerana sya tak ada family disanalah,mereka melayan saya spt keluarga mereka.And until today,saya belajar,utk org hormati kita,tak kiralah bangsa,kaum apa pun,kita kena hormat mereka dulu.Insyallah hati mereka terbuka.Even saya pegi masa tu masih segar peristiwa 11/9/01.Ramai org msia suruh saya bhati2 takut saya ni pki tudung,org Islam, ada yg tak puas hati.

      Tapi alhamdulillah,semua yg saya jumpa sgt hormatkan saya sbgai org Muslim.

Even keluarga angkat saya dgn murah hati bgi tumpangkan saya dirumah mereka waktu krismas sbb org lain cuti & saya tak ada tmpt tinggal masa tu.Syukurnya masa tu ada ruang utk berteduh. Masa tulah dpt rasa duduk tgk cara mereka smbut krismas& they even get all the way to buy halal chicken for me huhu..terharu ^_^..

     My point of this story is..saya mmg berharap utk ke Canada sekali lagi.Kalau boleh nk duduk sebulan cover semua.esp nk ke Montreal & Ottawa. 8 bulan duduk kat sana tak sempat sbb masa tu budak baik, asyik study je haha..but as far as I'm working right now,banyak benda2 yg timbul so sya mula fikirkan cara2 utk kumpul duit.Antaranya jual bju,shawl dll.

      And suprisingly ada org bgi idea since saya selalu jgak ke Seoul,why not bwk org yg nk pegi Seoul jgak.So I come up with this itenerary utk share dgn kwn2 and insyallah sya akan start bwk org next year.

        So motif sya taip pnjg2 ni ialah sya harap anda boleh membantu saya utk kumpul duit spaya sya dpt ke Canada semula.. haha (gurau yeah).My point is,the more I travelled the more I learn to be 'human being'.The more i see that all human being is equal..you and me in this world hidup utk melihat keajaiban allah wujudkan di dunia(my personal opinion).That is why I love to travel.Regardless what beg you wear,where u go,u need to see this world.Fullstop.

Saya happy masuk group ni sbb sya mmg ada minat yg sama.And I hope its the same to all of you too.Travel to understand that life is so beautiful ^_^.#sayabkntravelagent tpi mempunyai misi utk kumpul duit melihat serata dunia hehe..so yeah if anyone is interested dgn itinerary yg tak seberapa tuh can let me knw yeah hehe..thank you admin!! Hehe pjg dah taip nih adios ^__^

Xoxo

Munirah Khadri ^^

On the matter of loneliness

I don't think I have many friends. Not trying to be negative, but I don't think I make friends with a lot of people when I'm in school haha..I guess I spend hating myself at that time that I forgot that there are real people around me.

When people said they have reunions, dinner & such I do get that little feeling. What if I was diffrent at that time. Again I wonder if I have diffrent kind of life around me. ^_^

But regardless of this, I hope somewhere, someone remembers about me.
That the most important thing I hope someone pray for me when I'm gone.
I hope a lot of people come to see me on that final day.
I would be happy.

If someone said that I changed their lives to be better I guess I can die happily.

That is my ultimate dream. I don't think I have a lot of times left in this world, so I just want to live happily and I hope I made others happy too ^_^. For the loneliness is in the heart & in the mind. I pray someone remember me. I pray that I do make difference in this world :)

The book that change me ^_^

Ok...im quite stressed after looking at the views of my previous post ^_^..but of coz it was a Girl good stressed practice for me..

Glad I send the email to that person in 5 minutes & really send it without thinking..

Heart knows better' ^_^..

So today I will start again. To think of how I will restart again this blog ^_^..what should I write? What should I do huhu..

Tajuk hari ini: Who's that Girl?

Aha!! The book that I read just before I turn 30..

Not the best chick lit that I ever read..but the story inspired me to think.

It was about the girl who is 30 years old & were able to go back to change her lives when she was 18 years old.

Yes from 30 --->>18 ..do you have anything that you want to change if you can go back to your younger self??

I have!!! A lot!! Lol..not even when I'm 18 years old. I wish I can go back maybe when I'm 7 years old. 

If I can go back, and meet myself ..I want to shake my shoulders really hard and knock my head so many times. And maybe then I hug myself. What I want to tell myself is 'It is ok to be diffrent. Don't be afraid. You are amazing. Love and be loved. Laugh more.Be crazy. You are amazing!!

Yes, I wish! I wish I was told with all the positive energy when I was a child. Maybe life will be diffrent. But then if it is , there will be no 'me' right now. Because right now I am amazing in my own way. All the things I learn and mistakes I made, this was an amazing 31 years I'm being alive. 

Xoxo,

Munirah Khadri

Why I took the pictures

Copy paste from an email I sent to someone on 17/12/2013....

Hi..

Thanks for the early reply.I don't really have anything in mind, just this is kinda a dream sort of thing. I'm going to be 30 years old this December. 

I have a weird background of life. I was born with blind in one eye and that have make me living in a cage sort of.

I always think I'm not beautiful and pretty enough in front of camera. Since young being in front of camera scares me. I was scared people to look at the pictures and say I make their pictures look weird.

Or just looking at it and asking me a lot about my conditions.

But growing up, opening up to a lot of people and travelling have changed me. I realise that what outside didn't make the person. What is inside that matter.

So this, taking a potrait picture is one of my wishlist before I turn 30 years old.

I want to compensate the time I run away from being in front of camera & for once be brave enough to accept my disability.

For once I want a beautiful picture where I bravely look at the lenses and said Im ready, and smile..

Yeah, this is my story.Sorry for the long paragraphs and all :). This is my first time doing this & it all starts with a dream & a wish.Please let me know if you have any idea.

Thank you!!!!!..oh, by the way, if December your time is already full, I'm ok in January too.

Rgds,

Munirah Khadri

and guys...that is the reason why I took all this picture ^_^

Btw, it was not the same person who took this picture & the one I send my email above :)

Death

Death..

One day we will meet..

Last Sunday,It was a shock and sad news..we are not close but we acknowledged each other. Everyday the greeting was just a head gesture & small nod..that was only it.Yet, when the news come..I feel the sadness.

I wonder about our last encounter.Will it be different it I say more words? Will it be different if I smile a little more often?

Those thought, those questions linger in me when I sat there in the corner of the mosque overlooking at the non moving body.

What if that is me? I ask myself..
What if I need to leave tomorrow?
Will I have a regret?

What that I'm most afraid at..I realised is not just that I leave this world unprepared,  but I'm afraid of all the things that I want to do, and I want to say,that is left undone.

When I look at him, to be gone in such a young age, I realised that all feelings that I'm afraid of,is just a dust. If tomorrow I'm going to leave..at least I want people to say that she lives happily and wholeheartedly. ..by all means if it is the way, may Allah show the light & may Allah also bring the true guidance for me till Jannah, insyaallah..

My story

Its kinda the theme of the week..what is your story. .what is the story you want to share to the world..

Hearing the speaker talk about it in front of the stage. I wish to speak up, but then I don't.

I guess I will have to share the story in my heart firstly here. 

A story about the girl who is different from the others. While the doctor said it's one in a million, she didn't believe it. It's a mistake she tell herself..something should have been done years ago. A answer she try to find soon was a question of her self belief.

If we could have more money we could treat it..They say you will be okay. Nothing will changed.

For all the above reasons they want her to believe,  the more she found its hard to accept all the consequences of life. 

No one tells her to be strong..

No one tells her its the reason of the disabilities that will make her special..

In everyday of life, the insult, the laugh..and the mirror was her world.

The promise she made was' I will never take a picture as I hate how people will laugh at me, I made the pictures looks weird'

' I can't see people in their eyes,  it hurts when they asked back why I was different'

'I can't get married because I hate people looking at my eyes and taking a picture of myself'

Living everyday with the kind of thoughts..not in a second she wish god will take her away..

In the moment of truth, she wonder the reason she's still here. What is the purpose of my life?? she asked everyday..Do I need to do something??

 It was hard with tears and self talk as a her companion. .sometimes the tears falls like the raindrops without a warning....

LifE they say is a mystery. .the age was the savior..While looking back, at the times of life., she notice how she is different from the others. How she had achieved more than what the other normal people had done. It was not the best but it was more for people to envy.It could be better. 

And so the story begins...at the second part of life. This is the starting point of her story. To live with full of hope, happiness and courage. To make mistakes.To learn to let it go. To be true to herself. To look forward for the dreams. To just sit and smile and be happy. 

A promise if ever god finally want to take her away, she want to be happy at that moment of time.Leave a great life to be remembered.  

And that is the story of her and the story of me..

Xoxo

Munirah Khadri

Loving life ♥♥
Pic from Pinterest~Beach Living & Waves

June

June was weird. .

For something I didn't know how to make it happen, it turns out to be such an achievement. .

But that's in the area which I have known how to do it,
How to reach, run and hold it..

And now, here in the last day of June, I wonder about the things that I want it to be..things that I want to feel..things that I want to experience. .

How can I make it really true in this reality?

 In that sense of the real positive thinking, I told myself that I can, I must and I will..
Will LOVE be here by the same way??  Can I really be the person I want to be??? Love, greatness,  Happiness...please be here..please come here..please let it stay in my heart ♥

My song on repeat

Josh Groban – Brave 

Wake up, wake up, the sun cannot wait for long.
Reach out, reach out before it fades away.
You will find the warmth when you surrender.
Smile into the fear and let it play.

Chorus:
You wanna run away, run away and you say that it can’t be so.
You wanna look away, look away but you stay cause’ it’s all so close.
When you stand up and hold out your hand.
In the face of what I don’t understand.
My reason to be brave.

Hold on, hold on, so strong, time just carries on.
And all that you thought was wrong is pure again.
You can’t hide forever from the thunder.
Look into the storm and feel the rain.

Chorus:
You wanna run away, run away and you say that it can’t be so.
You wanna look away, look away but you stay cause’ it’s all so close.
When you stand uṗ and hold out your hand.
In the face of what I don’t understand.
My reason to be brave.

O-oh-oh-oh-oh
O-oh-oh-oh-oh
O-oh-oh-oh-oh

Go on, go on…

Chorus:
You wanna run away, run away and you say that it can’t be so.
You wanna look away, look away but you stay cause’ it’s all so close.
When you stand up and hold out your hand.
In the face of what I don’t understand.
My reason to be brave.

From : www.lyricspremiere.com

Love this song a lot..so much what I feel currently..

Especially the chorus part...... running away of everything that matter, the dreams that you want to believe in ...and then you held your breath and ask your heart the reason you've stay on for so long..

The courage to take everything in..all the hard and tears..I hope I will forever be brave..♥♥

A seconds could change the course of life :)

When a decision in seconds to try a new things, change a whole new perspective of life..

It starts with my 'why not' motto..or what the h**l anyways, just do it..

Then you try to be different,

To try to take the extra effort..

After the whole process, you feel so special and wants to reward you own self..

I never thought that in seconds I told myself  'What the h**l!!" just say it.

I still remember, how I told the crew, I want to do it..and the sheer jumpiness of my friends face as if saying:Are you sureeee?? Are you crazy??..and I remember I told myself, just do it..just say yes!!

And I'm glad I did not back out..I did not hesitate..I did not say I give up..

Because at the end, even it is only for a second, I was not the same person anymore....

Because I was now the girl who makes the decision to be different, to be bold, to let it go, to understand that its cool to be different and be crazy sometimes and the most important thing is.......

I HAVE BECOME THE PERSON WHO FINALLY LISTEN TO HER OWN GUT...

^___________________^

Its funny, its life..it might not be perfect, but it feels so good!!

So here, kudos to myself, to the new me, to the decision I make

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRrjwOvDl1k

Mekah

Should have been here on this day, tpi dah tak ada rezeki nampaknya....

Kalau diikutkan, inilah matlamat yang paling utama nak di capai thn ini, my wishlist before i turn 30...pembuka lembaran baru dlm hidup, katanya..

Tpi itulah org kata kuasa tuhan,

Mungkin ada hikmah di sebalik segala kejadian (mode sedapkan hati sendiri ^_^) 

teringat dkt pesanan ustaz hari tu, suruh cpt2 kawin..huhu..double stress lol..gambar2 di google search saja..

Moga saya dpt jejak kaki di sini suatu hari nnti..insyaallah

Country that I've been to..

Since, I'm looking to do a travel blog, and almost all the blogs that I've read will have the list of countries that they had visited, so here I am with my not so much list of countries ^_^

2003-UK~ Chester, London
2004/2005-Canada ~ Toronto, Quebec,Vancouver
2009-Bandung
Singapore (4 or 5 times. Already becomes my yearly visit since 2010)
2010-Hong Kong/Shenzhen
2011-Krabi/Phuket
2012-Tokyo
2012-Jakarta

And for Malaysia, I think Ive been to all states except Sarawak..one of the goal this year. Must go see Kuching, and eat lots of kek lapis :)

And I still remember that we use the old school camera in UK,Canada..the one with the rolling film..how time flies, I really need to find time to go through all my bucket of stuffs to find  all the pictures ^^, and yes even for Canada, I remember everything is in Friendster, there is no Facebook at that time..and now I cant even remember the passwords and how it looks like..oh well..

Motto tahun ini:ambil sebanyak gambar yg boleh, sebodoh mana yg mungkin, dan bukukan didalam album gambar dgn baik ^_^..

Canada

Could you start from something to achieve anything??

Its 12.45 am and I just feel that I need to let it out..Having overwhelmed by so many things..my life, my business that I've dream to do, my future that I want to be, the things that I want to own, and so many forth..

So many times, I heard people will said the 'person' can do this and that because she's the daughter of datuk and datin, she have money since she's born and so forth..

My inner feeling would probably have felt the same thing over and over again, and that's why I have doubt..Could I become something from nothing?
Could I buy something worth millions from nothing?
Could I dream a bigger things, a bigger dreams , while I' m nothing??

A question which I probably have inside of me for so many times, for so many reasons when I  have doubt about myself, for everything I give reasons when I failed...was it??
It is not a statement that I believe in my heart, yet I allowed it to be in my head for so long, for so many times..

And yes and this moment of time, I open my Canada album and I realizad, I've achieved something that not many have be able to do the same thing as me..to say that I' m unique is probably quite far fetched, :), but now I realised, that all the experience I've had, that I have go through, no one can duplicate it in their life, and that person now is Me, no one can take this away..

Travelling all by myself to the other side of the world, not knowing what going to happen in front of me, 

Being the only Malaysian, Malay and Muslim in the place that I only see in TV, too foreign, too diffrent from a place I called home,

Being brave to say goodbye to everyone I know at home, and saying hi to strangers that I meet,

I laugh, I cry, I smile, I jump, I see, I touch about ..

So many things, 

AND I LEARN 

That life will give everything that you have dream, only if only you believe you will ACHIEVE it some day,

So yes, to my dear self, dream big, dream always, dream all the beautiful things in life because you deserve it more than you believe it.♥♥

Xoxo...Munirah Khadri 

Introduction Part II

Ok..

so last year was a year of questioning my life, my reason, my future so forth..

And yet, I dont think I have all the anwers, but I realise I need to start with something..

So I've made DeCahaya Travel in Facebook .. the reason its already written in my diary in year 2005 that one day I will open my own Travel agency :), Proud i should say..I never realised that I do want to do something in my life worth to be acknowledge by others ..

But since I didnt know how to do it, how to start etc, I've read a lot of blogs and it hit me that there is a lot of people read and write a blog ..oh yeah, I've feel that I've been living under the rocks.. ^_^, i do have Xanga account before, yet I cant remember the username and password lol..

So here is the 1st entry to start the 2nd chapter of my life.....♥♥

I'm contemplate to choose to write in English or Bahasa , but since I dont like how people mixing up the language aka Manglish to the extent, I feels it kind embarassing to read, I choose to write in English more, but of course my grammar will never be perfect ^_^. And if there is the needs to mix both the language together, I hope I do justice to the both language..so here it is.. to the next great chapter of my life ♥

The great view from my office#Dataran Merdeka..

A PROMISE ~

Even when the world says I cant,
Even when everyone is laughing ,
I will not give up,
I will not stop.

I will not stop doing everything that my heart asks me to do,

Because when I die, I want to be happy knowing that I have live
the way my life supposed to be
and not in the pre conception of others

To finally said, I finally listen to the most important people
In the world,
And that person is my heart ♥

My Dream...or should I start dreaming?

You know when you're young, people will tell you to write what you want to do in life, what is your goal when you grow up, what you want to be in future...

So with a good heart, you took your diary and start scribbling away your thoughts and dreams in the most grandest way that you can imagine, believing that somehow for tiniest percentage in the law of universe, the dreams will come true...

So what happens when one of your dreams come true?? What you gonna do? Write in a new dream??From buying a Myvi to Vios, then to BMW?..

For most people, when we are young, our dreams was  to get a good job,buy a car and house,open your life savings account, insurance and for some lucky people falls in love with a great guy/girl  and get married, settled down..

For me, at this young age of life (29 years old) , I practically have most of what I want or should I say what I have written down when I'm 21 years old... Car, stable job, savings, which actually if I calculate correctly, can let me survived 2 years with my current lifestyle..

So what should I do from here?

My self questioning mode now: I really want to buy a house, have my own room, my own walking closet, my own shoes rack, but the questions that they have been bugging me is :Why?? Why I want this? What other things that I want to own? And somehow I realized, to really achieve your dreams, there is something inside that need to change..I can't live believing that is all I wanted..somehow inside, I believe that there is greater things I need to do in life..the one that I need to let my heart search for an answer..